1. Not imprisoned or enslaved; being at liberty.
2. Not affected or restricted by a given condition or circumstance.
My Mondays are typically filled with errands... Some of those days are lighter than others... Today for example... The only thing on my "Have To" list... Dentist... Deposit... My "Want To" list, however, is a bit longer...
I had told Jay that I wanted to come by and visit Jerry... They had moved him to hospice last Wednesday, so I wanted to come hang out with him... If he was up to it...
As I'm laying in the dentist chair... The hygienist distractedly scraping, while going on about her ex-husband, who she thinks is gay... "But, he doesn't know it yet"... If she starts asking me questions, I'm outta here... Bib and all...
My phone vibrates... Obviously, I can't answer... She's got everything but her feet in my mouth... She finishes... I pay, leave... I didn't even have to give her any tell tale signs to look for (If you catch him with a cock in his mouth... He's probably gay)...
I check my voicemail... It's Jay, he sounds tired, "Call me when you get this"... I'm assuming he's calling to let me know a good time to stop by to see Jerry... I call him back... Hey Jay, How are you?... Silence... I already know whats coming...
Jerry passed away, shortly after they took him to hospice... I told Jay that I was sorry... If you need anything at all, I'm right here... He asked me if I was working tomorrow, He wants to come by, visit for a minute, and wanted to bring something to me, that he knew Jerry wanted me to have...
Sorry is such a small word...
I feel for Jay... I can't take his pain from him, or bring him peace... I can't give him many more years of pranks, or torturing Derrick... I can't erase watching his best friend deteriorate right before his eyes... Being powerless to stop it... I don't know how...
My heart smiles when I think of Jerry... Whatever your spiritual path or religious belief... He has moved on... Unrestricted, unbound... No longer a trapped man... He is Free...
As Always, Be Kind To Yourselves... I'm Fine, Thanks For Asking
Monday, July 30, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Silent...
I walked in through the double doors, not knowing what to expect... It was quiet... eerily so, even with people, some were standing, some were sitting, I see a child... Fussy... Unsure... He wants to be up in his Grandmother's lap... No, down... He to is oddly silent...
A quiet voice on my right... May I help you?... Umm, Hi... Yes, I'm here to see Jerry in 251... Are you Family?... Friend?... Unsure of how to answer... I stated who I was and my purpose for being there... I'm the Hairdresser, and Jerry is getting a haircut today... She smiled... Okay, Have a seat someone will be right with you...
I take a seat amidst the crowd of silent people, taking in my surroundings... I feel under dressed and out of place... I've just come from swim class... I've got on cargo shorts, a sleeveless T-Shirt, my hat on backwards (covering my crazy wet hair), and I reek of chlorine... I should have taken a shower, worn something nice, done my hair... Did I lock the car?... Did I pack what I needed to bring with me?... I forgot product... I should get a magazine... My mind is offering distractions... I decide to ignore it and focus on why I'm here...
I think back to a few days prior... My friends Jay and Derrick had called to let me know that their other roommate and good friend Jerry had been hospitalized, and wasn't doing well... Jay then got on the phone and asked me would I mind coming to the hospital to cut Jerry's hair... Of course... No worries... Let me know when and where... He's in Neuro ICU at Emory...
Let me back up a little... I met both Jay and Jerry through Derrick, he and I had gone out a couple of times a few years ago, believe it or not I asked him out, it didn't work out (sketchy), we remained casual friends... Jay and Jerry are complete pranksters, and have been best friends for years... Poor Derrick... I can't tell you how many picture messages my phone has gotten of him in compromising positions LOL... He takes it in stride... Those boys crack me up...
So... of course it came as a big shock when they called to tell me Jerry was in the hospital... Jerry is a little taller than I am, mouthy, intelligent, and quick with jab or slam (all in fun)... He's an attractive man... the kind of face that always has the perfect amount of scruff, eyes that keep just enough back, you can't help but hang on every word, and a smile that is wicked and sweet all at the same time... He looks like a baseball player... I'm not sure what that means, probably that damn baseball hat he wears, even after I cut his hair...
The other set of double doors open, I turn... Michael?... Hi, Are you Michael?... Yes... Come with me... I walk with the nurse through the double doors, alot of the conversation is a blur... I get the key points though... Don't get upset when you see him... Keep it positive... If you need a break, step outside... DO NOT let him see you break down...
The nurse walks me to Jerry's room, I see the number, 251... Standing in the doorway... I feel it coming, the ache, my heart clenches, it's building... I press it down, push it as far back as I can, I will not let it show... He's laying in bed, machines whirring and beeping all around him... One checking his vitals, one helping him breathe, all these tubes... A woman is standing over him with a board, letters in different rows and colors on one side, and pictures in squares on the other... She's helping him spell something out... The nurse that walked me to the room explains to me that Jerry can't speak, he has to use his fingers to answer yes or no questions... They finish spelling the word... Bitch... The other nurse giggles, evidently its not the first time...
I walk in, put my stuff down... Standing in his line of sight, I see it in his eyes, the spark of recognition... I walk over to the bed, put his hand in mine, lean in and kiss him on the cheek, he squeezes... Damn boy, your hair is long... We doin' the usual? One finger goes up (Yes)... I unpack my stuff, prep, and start cutting... Do you have any cute doctors? Two fingers go up (No)... Cute Nurses? Two fingers go up... Want me to go search one out for you, drag them up back here? One finger goes up... We should do highlights, He flips me the bird... So goes our conversation for the next 4 hours... He gets tired and we take breaks, I can't finish his haircut, unable to get to the back of his head... I tell him he is rockin' a mullet... I get the finger again... I am getting ready to leave, Jerry is really tired and doesn't want to cut anymore... I ask him if he wants me to come back... One finger (the good one)... Jay walks in... He had gone to the airport, Jay's Mom was flying in to see Jerry... Hes been up there night and day, he looks tired... Jay tells Jerry that he will be right back, He's going to walk me down...
Jay tells me that Jerry has PML (I'm attaching a link, I can't even pronounce some of the words), He explains more in layman's terms that Jerry's nervous system is shutting down... The doctors have given him about 45 days, at most... Jay is a big guy, huge, muscular, about one and a half of me wide, solid, with a killer smile and piercing eyes... I've never seen him like this... I'm not sure of what to say... Nothing I say will comfort him or bring him peace... I give him a hug, he breaks down... Folds in on me... He's shaking... I feel a wave coming... Push it down... Not now... We stand in the hallway, I don't know how long... It's silent again... He lifts his head and whispers thank you... He wants to pay me... I tell him no, I just need you to get some rest... You look like shit... I get a half smile... Keep me updated, and if you need anything please call me... We go in opposite directions...
I walk out of the hospital... My pace quickens... I'm practically running to my car... Unlock... Sit, and allow myself to feel it all... The flood gates are open... No holding back now... Sobbing uncontrolabley...
As I sit here writing this entry, I realize... I'm not mourning his life or death... I mourn his loss of freedom... He is a man trapped... Limited mobility and time... It breaks my heart...
As always, Be Kind To Yourselves...
A quiet voice on my right... May I help you?... Umm, Hi... Yes, I'm here to see Jerry in 251... Are you Family?... Friend?... Unsure of how to answer... I stated who I was and my purpose for being there... I'm the Hairdresser, and Jerry is getting a haircut today... She smiled... Okay, Have a seat someone will be right with you...
I take a seat amidst the crowd of silent people, taking in my surroundings... I feel under dressed and out of place... I've just come from swim class... I've got on cargo shorts, a sleeveless T-Shirt, my hat on backwards (covering my crazy wet hair), and I reek of chlorine... I should have taken a shower, worn something nice, done my hair... Did I lock the car?... Did I pack what I needed to bring with me?... I forgot product... I should get a magazine... My mind is offering distractions... I decide to ignore it and focus on why I'm here...
I think back to a few days prior... My friends Jay and Derrick had called to let me know that their other roommate and good friend Jerry had been hospitalized, and wasn't doing well... Jay then got on the phone and asked me would I mind coming to the hospital to cut Jerry's hair... Of course... No worries... Let me know when and where... He's in Neuro ICU at Emory...
Let me back up a little... I met both Jay and Jerry through Derrick, he and I had gone out a couple of times a few years ago, believe it or not I asked him out, it didn't work out (sketchy), we remained casual friends... Jay and Jerry are complete pranksters, and have been best friends for years... Poor Derrick... I can't tell you how many picture messages my phone has gotten of him in compromising positions LOL... He takes it in stride... Those boys crack me up...
So... of course it came as a big shock when they called to tell me Jerry was in the hospital... Jerry is a little taller than I am, mouthy, intelligent, and quick with jab or slam (all in fun)... He's an attractive man... the kind of face that always has the perfect amount of scruff, eyes that keep just enough back, you can't help but hang on every word, and a smile that is wicked and sweet all at the same time... He looks like a baseball player... I'm not sure what that means, probably that damn baseball hat he wears, even after I cut his hair...
The other set of double doors open, I turn... Michael?... Hi, Are you Michael?... Yes... Come with me... I walk with the nurse through the double doors, alot of the conversation is a blur... I get the key points though... Don't get upset when you see him... Keep it positive... If you need a break, step outside... DO NOT let him see you break down...
The nurse walks me to Jerry's room, I see the number, 251... Standing in the doorway... I feel it coming, the ache, my heart clenches, it's building... I press it down, push it as far back as I can, I will not let it show... He's laying in bed, machines whirring and beeping all around him... One checking his vitals, one helping him breathe, all these tubes... A woman is standing over him with a board, letters in different rows and colors on one side, and pictures in squares on the other... She's helping him spell something out... The nurse that walked me to the room explains to me that Jerry can't speak, he has to use his fingers to answer yes or no questions... They finish spelling the word... Bitch... The other nurse giggles, evidently its not the first time...
I walk in, put my stuff down... Standing in his line of sight, I see it in his eyes, the spark of recognition... I walk over to the bed, put his hand in mine, lean in and kiss him on the cheek, he squeezes... Damn boy, your hair is long... We doin' the usual? One finger goes up (Yes)... I unpack my stuff, prep, and start cutting... Do you have any cute doctors? Two fingers go up (No)... Cute Nurses? Two fingers go up... Want me to go search one out for you, drag them up back here? One finger goes up... We should do highlights, He flips me the bird... So goes our conversation for the next 4 hours... He gets tired and we take breaks, I can't finish his haircut, unable to get to the back of his head... I tell him he is rockin' a mullet... I get the finger again... I am getting ready to leave, Jerry is really tired and doesn't want to cut anymore... I ask him if he wants me to come back... One finger (the good one)... Jay walks in... He had gone to the airport, Jay's Mom was flying in to see Jerry... Hes been up there night and day, he looks tired... Jay tells Jerry that he will be right back, He's going to walk me down...
Jay tells me that Jerry has PML (I'm attaching a link, I can't even pronounce some of the words), He explains more in layman's terms that Jerry's nervous system is shutting down... The doctors have given him about 45 days, at most... Jay is a big guy, huge, muscular, about one and a half of me wide, solid, with a killer smile and piercing eyes... I've never seen him like this... I'm not sure of what to say... Nothing I say will comfort him or bring him peace... I give him a hug, he breaks down... Folds in on me... He's shaking... I feel a wave coming... Push it down... Not now... We stand in the hallway, I don't know how long... It's silent again... He lifts his head and whispers thank you... He wants to pay me... I tell him no, I just need you to get some rest... You look like shit... I get a half smile... Keep me updated, and if you need anything please call me... We go in opposite directions...
I walk out of the hospital... My pace quickens... I'm practically running to my car... Unlock... Sit, and allow myself to feel it all... The flood gates are open... No holding back now... Sobbing uncontrolabley...
As I sit here writing this entry, I realize... I'm not mourning his life or death... I mourn his loss of freedom... He is a man trapped... Limited mobility and time... It breaks my heart...
As always, Be Kind To Yourselves...
Monday, July 2, 2007
It's About Time...The Big Hands Saga Draws To A Close...
Sorry I haven't posted in a while... As we all know... Sometimes life gets in the way of living... So... Here we go... What you've all been waiting for... Monday the 25th of June, my appointment with Big Hands 4:30, can't be late... It was a busy day, I had to run my normal Monday errands and get to an earlier than normal appointment... I arrived about 4:00, excitement building... I've decided to do it... I'm going to ask Big Hands out...
I'm sitting in my car, listening to Journey (man, that Steve Perry has a voice on him)... Anyway, the door opens Big Hands comes out with one of his clients... Big Hands waves and says come on in... I get out of my car, walk up the steps and meet Big Hands on the porch...
Syn: Hey how are you?
Big Hands: Good, how are you?
Syn: Good... no hug... hmmm
Big Hands: Come on in... I need to prep...
Syn: Thats fine, I need to pee...
I finish peeing, as I'm washing my hands, staring myself down in the mirror... You can do it, I know you can... Just ask him... I finish, walk down stairs and into the massage room, hes there, smooth face, shorts, and a T-shirt... Damn...
Syn: Hey... I smile
Big Hands: Hey... he smiles
Syn: So tell me, my last appointment you were heading to Pensacola for Memorial Day weekend... How was it? Did you have a good time?
Big Hands: Oh wow... yeah it was great... I had a great time... he pauses, looks me dead in the eye
Syn: Thats awesome... his smile fades
Big Hands: I met someone...
Syn: did someone just punch me in the gut... Thats... Great... I did the fake smile (I hate it, but couldn't do anything else)
Syn: Thats Awesome... his smile returns
Big Hands: He is really nice... of course he is Hes tall, blond hair, blue eyed... perfect... And he lives here... of course he does
Syn: Thats great... Well... Good for you... Thats... Just... Well good...
Big Hands: I'm going to leave you... you just did for a few minutes... Let you get ready... I'll be back in a few... probably bringing him in here to introduce us
I honestly don't know what was going through my mind... The rest of my session, I was pretty much on auto pilot... I don't remember much of the conversation after that... I do remember, telling him I thought it was great (and meaning it) that he found someone... They are taking it slow... He sounded as giddy as a hairdresser who has fallen for his massage therapist... The thing I am most proud of, that I will remember... I told him... I said it out loud... I told him I would still crush on him... He said... Thats fine, with a smile... Not a great response, but its not about the response... I put it out there, (kind of) I opened myself up, (a little) to the possibilities... Opened up to someone else being a part of my life... I thoroughly enjoyed my crush, and the possibility of more...
It's not Earth shattering, no revelation... It's me learning more about me... When you have been alone for a while, I think sometimes you can fall into a trap... A cycle... Going day to day, in the same routine, doing what you do...
I don't want to be that guy, that wakes up one day, regretting missed opportunities, singing that shoulda... woulda... coulda... song... I want to fall in love many times before I'm done... So, anyway, thats my story and I'm sticking to it...
As always, Be kind to yourselves... I'm fine thanks for asking... ;)
I'm sitting in my car, listening to Journey (man, that Steve Perry has a voice on him)... Anyway, the door opens Big Hands comes out with one of his clients... Big Hands waves and says come on in... I get out of my car, walk up the steps and meet Big Hands on the porch...
Syn: Hey how are you?
Big Hands: Good, how are you?
Syn: Good... no hug... hmmm
Big Hands: Come on in... I need to prep...
Syn: Thats fine, I need to pee...
I finish peeing, as I'm washing my hands, staring myself down in the mirror... You can do it, I know you can... Just ask him... I finish, walk down stairs and into the massage room, hes there, smooth face, shorts, and a T-shirt... Damn...
Syn: Hey... I smile
Big Hands: Hey... he smiles
Syn: So tell me, my last appointment you were heading to Pensacola for Memorial Day weekend... How was it? Did you have a good time?
Big Hands: Oh wow... yeah it was great... I had a great time... he pauses, looks me dead in the eye
Syn: Thats awesome... his smile fades
Big Hands: I met someone...
Syn: did someone just punch me in the gut... Thats... Great... I did the fake smile (I hate it, but couldn't do anything else)
Syn: Thats Awesome... his smile returns
Big Hands: He is really nice... of course he is Hes tall, blond hair, blue eyed... perfect... And he lives here... of course he does
Syn: Thats great... Well... Good for you... Thats... Just... Well good...
Big Hands: I'm going to leave you... you just did for a few minutes... Let you get ready... I'll be back in a few... probably bringing him in here to introduce us
I honestly don't know what was going through my mind... The rest of my session, I was pretty much on auto pilot... I don't remember much of the conversation after that... I do remember, telling him I thought it was great (and meaning it) that he found someone... They are taking it slow... He sounded as giddy as a hairdresser who has fallen for his massage therapist... The thing I am most proud of, that I will remember... I told him... I said it out loud... I told him I would still crush on him... He said... Thats fine, with a smile... Not a great response, but its not about the response... I put it out there, (kind of) I opened myself up, (a little) to the possibilities... Opened up to someone else being a part of my life... I thoroughly enjoyed my crush, and the possibility of more...
It's not Earth shattering, no revelation... It's me learning more about me... When you have been alone for a while, I think sometimes you can fall into a trap... A cycle... Going day to day, in the same routine, doing what you do...
I don't want to be that guy, that wakes up one day, regretting missed opportunities, singing that shoulda... woulda... coulda... song... I want to fall in love many times before I'm done... So, anyway, thats my story and I'm sticking to it...
As always, Be kind to yourselves... I'm fine thanks for asking... ;)
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