This Cracks My Shit (Literally)

Thanks to the kids over at 377 South Pope Street, I've had an incredibly fun lunch... I'm still laughing as I type this... So without further ado, here is the funniest shit ever. (Literally)

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For
those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
In your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where
it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water .
This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
Stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone Walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under his or her arm. Always look around the office
for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.


THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in
the building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the Opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop
at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is
Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
remove all doubt
That the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,
leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper Can poop
in peace.


WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the
Toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. This person could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or Sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as other bathroom attendees.

Killer Queen Is Stuck In My Head

It's Good I Love This Song... There Are Worse Songs To Have Up There... ie... The Gilligan's Island Theme !

Coffee + Blogs = Great Start To My Day...

Everyday at 6:00 am my alarm goes off ( for 2 weeks now, I've gotten up to Boston's - More Than A Feeling ) I get my coffee, and sit down in front of my computer... I don't watch the morning shows, or the news, and I don't read the paper ( funnies and horoscopes don't count )... I read blogs... The blogs in my list ( which, I need to update )... The blogs on their lists and so on... I get my news (sort of ) updates on whats going on with people I don't know, from places I haven't been ( yet )... This morning I ran across this, which cracks me up ( Word Cloud ). Check it out... This is mine... Shit made the list... evidently I use that word alot...

Nephew Update... Thank You

Just wanted to say Thank You for the thoughts, prayers... My nephew came through the surgery fine... They are back home now, and so am I... The Doctors are giving this a 50/50 chance of working, so we are hopeful... Now It's just a waiting game... Like I said ... Thank You

I Need Some Help....

So far I've posted extremely random shit... But not today... Growing up gay, you come to terms with shit other people take for granted... I will never have the 4 bedroom ranch and picket fence, the perfect wife, the 2.2 kids, and a dog that chews my slippers... I wont be growing old with her, watching our children grow and mature into men and women, that we are extremely proud of... That being said... I am truly okay with that... I've dealt with it, and have moved on with my life, as it should be. A HUGE part of that coping process, however, has been my nieces and nephews, they are my babies, and I adore every single one of them, as if they are my own. I am extremely proud of the people they are growing up to be, and I feel a big part of that process.
I will be traveling to Alabama on Wednesday... My 14 year old nephew... Justin... Football, Basketball, Baseball, Extreme Skater, Dirt Biker, Gamer, even Golf... Hes my little daredevil... Me as a kid... Hes been diagnosed with a disease... Avascular Necrosis... He will be undergoing surgery on Wednesday morning... He has been told by the doctors that he will never play sports again, he is looking at hip replacement sooner than later, and arthritis will play a major role in his life, he will have limited mobility for the rest of his life.
I remember 14... My fears... My thoughts about the future, and never once did any of the things my little man is going through or will go through ever crossed my mind.
I ask a favor to whoever reads this post... On Wednesday, Valentines Day... light a candle, say a prayer to whatever God, Goddess, or Deity you worship... If you don't have one... Send a good thought or positive energy... Just for my nephew to come through the surgery okay and for him to be at peace with his new path... You don't have to comment on this post... But good vibes are more than welcome...

Oh My..... And A Good Time Was Had By All

Slowly but Surely... And don't call me Shirley

LOL... a few of the pictures from last Friday are filtering in slowly but surely... I figured I would give you a little teaser. This is lil ol' Syn & Kaori... Doesn't She look sweet... I should send this to my Mommmer, tell her its a picture of me and my new girlfriend. Wonder how she will take that?I'll post more as they come.

Lets Play Catch Up

A few weeks ago my friend Kaori, who I mentioned in a previous post, asked if I would Judge a Pageant... Now let me tell you a little about me... I'm Shy, not the coy shy, but people shy, I get a little anxious in crowds, new environments, so on and so forth... I know that sounds strange coming from the Biggayhairdresser, I mean I can stand in front of a crowd as a platform artist, doing education, showing new techniques, but thats my comfort zone ( BTW, I haven't done a show in years, I like being behind the chair too much ). So back to the story... So Kaori asked if I would judge the Pageant... To know Kaori is to love Kaori, Shes infectious, happy, funny, you would do anything for her... Thought process, you would think we were separated at birth, you get the picture... So of course I said Yes... Btw did I mention that this was at a Fetish Club ?
Phobia... The Love Hurts Party... Oddly appropriate... Anyway, Me being the Jeans and T-Shirt kinda guy (work and play drag... I like comfort)... I had to go shopping... Go Figure.
Atlanta Leather Company... I had been here before, buying chaps for my bike, so I knew they had more than just riding gear... Neoprene, Rubber, Second Skin, you get the sitch... So this past Friday was the night of the Show... Get ready, take a drive downtown, park in the Arby's parking lot, go to the red door, and ring the doorbell... What the hell have I gotten myself into?
Anyway, I had a great time, the Show/Pageant was a hit, the music was awesome, I even got on stage to award the winner... Hopefully the pictures come out good... I'll post them here, of course. Who knows... I may have found a new outlet... BTW, I'm feeling fine, Thanks for asking.