Wednesday, February 28, 2007

This Cracks My Shit (Literally)

Thanks to the kids over at 377 South Pope Street, I've had an incredibly fun lunch... I'm still laughing as I type this... So without further ado, here is the funniest shit ever. (Literally)

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For
those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
In your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where
it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water .
This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
Stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone Walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under his or her arm. Always look around the office
for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.


THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in
the building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the Opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop
at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is
Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
remove all doubt
That the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,
leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper Can poop
in peace.


WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the
Toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. This person could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or Sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as other bathroom attendees.

5 comments:

Shaney said...

ROFL...Geez I lost count of how many scenarios sound familiar...:P
Great Post, great laugh! Thanks Mate!

Sue said...

This is really funny shit!

Matt said...

Thanks for the Fruitcake Lady videos! I looooove her!

JoAnna said...

god I love you---that "shit" is fucking hilarious!!!

Anonymous said...

Yes, I have to admit I am a late comer to your blog.....but none the less, it is hilarious, and I am loving every minute of it! And then I come across this "This Cracks My Shit" piece, and I am loving you and your blog EVEN MORE. Is that possible?? So thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work. I am way over here in California, wishing I could actually meet you in person someday. No, I am not a stalker, just a new fan of yours.
DA