Well... That Wasn't Awkward... PT. 2

So last Thursday... I get up, start my day... coffee & blogs... I shower, get ready, and head in to work... I'm slammed... My morning is busy, and goes by quickly... I finish with my 10:30 a little early, walk him to the front... He pays, reschedules and is out the door... I'm sweeping my station, when the receptionist comes back to tell me, my 11:00 (Scott) is here...

Syn- Tell him I'll be right with him... I finish sweeping the hair, and walk up to the front
Syn- Well Hi :) he's sitting there, looking very much the hairdresser... (black button up, black slacks, and black boots) I say that because, my salon is very casual... I wear the same thing almost every single day (t-shirt, jeans, and boots... I hate dressing up)
Scott- Hey... he gets up, we hug You look good...
Syn- It's good to see you. Come on back... we go back to my station
Syn- Have a seat...

Here are the highlights of our conversation...

Scott- he looks around... I see you're still into this shit...
Syn- I have framed comics, comic art on my walls, and a few action figures (newest one- Optimus Prime from the Transformers movie)...
what the fuck!... um, of course... I'm a nerd, what can I say.

Syn- So... What's been going on?
Scott- Well, We moved back... his mom moved up to Chicago about 2 years after he did... I love being back in Atlanta, but I hate where I live... Mom seems happy tho... We're down past the airport...
Syn- So, south Georgia... LOL... anything past the airport to me is south Georgia... he laughs

Scott- So, I hear you have a motorcycle...
Syn- Yeah, I got it a couple of years ago.
Scott- So, where is it? ??
Syn- Home... I haven't been riding that much lately... I've considered selling it.
Scott- Yeah, thats what Toni said... Toni is a sales rep that came in with one of our regular reps this past spring... we had a brief conversation about our motorcycles...
Scott- You have a car to? why is he asking me questions he seems to already know the answers to...
Syn- Yeah. I got a Mini last year... LOL... you can't miss it, it's got the Superman insignia all over it...
Scott- cool... smirk... You know I hate those things, they're pretentious.

Syn- So, Bern told me you took the international education job... Thats awesome...
Scott- Yeah, it is awesome... I have to go to Madrid, in October...
Syn- That is so fucking cool...

Scott- How is your family doing?
Syn- Well... I gave him the Category 5 ShitStorm (short version)
Scott- Well... I'm glad to see you grew some balls and stood up to your family...
Syn- who the fuck are you... you don't know me... Um... Yeah

Scott- You look like you've been working out...
Syn- Not as often as I should...
Scott- Still got little arms tho... push it down

Finally... I finish... He says it's perfect, he knew it would be... I walk him to the front...
Scott- Thank you for doing this... I really appreciate it.
Syn- No worries.

The entire time he was in my chair... It felt as tho he was baiting, pushing me to explode... why? I don't know... maybe to see, if he could still manipulate me... push my buttons... maybe to justify something in his mind... maybe he just wanted me to feel what he does... everyday...
I learned a lot from him, and the one that followed (2yr X) the only serious relationships I've had... They were very similar... controlling, manipulative, negative, and would say or do anything to keep me where they wanted me... I know to watch for the patterns...
Anyway, back to the Scott.
A large part of me wanted to blast him...
Who the fuck do you think you are... coming in here, assuming that after all these years, you fucking know me, know anything about me... Anything you want to know, just fucking ask... I'm not that insecure, scared boy you knew then... I don't depend on anyone but me for my happiness... Yeah I grew up... and I'm fucking proud of the man I am... I work hard, I'm honest, I'm a good guy... guess what else motherfucker... you can't manipulate me... you can't hurt me anymore... you twisted fuck...
It was then that I realized... He could... In that split second, up front... I lost it... if only on the inside... I was looking down at my appointments (lost in thought) He was saying something....
Syn- I'm sorry, what?
Scott- I said you look great... you look happy.
Syn- whatever or whoever you're looking for Scott... it's not here... You know... I can honestly say... Life is good... I have never been more happy than I am now... smile ever.
Syn- It's good to see you... tell your Mom I said hello, take care of yourself...
Scott- You to Michael...

As Always... Be Kind To Yourselves... I'm Fine, Thanks For Asking

Well... That Wasn't Awkward.... PT.1

Last week, after being called an Uber Bitch, and the Category 5 ShitStorm in Alabama,(I seriously need to post both of these stories) I decided this was going to be a better week... I'm gonna lay low for a bit...
Monday, I go to the salon to clean my station, return calls, and confirm my appointments for the following day... I have a msg to call Scott, I'm assuming a client wanting to get in... I dial...
Voice- Hello
Syn- Is Scott available?
Voice- This is Scott
Syn- This is Michael from (My Salon)...
Voice- Michael... this is Scott...
Syn- (shit)
I recognize his voice then... It's the 7 year X... it was a bad break. He was controlling, and manipulative... I was young and stupid... About 5 years into our relationship... It started going bad... Scott became mean, nasty , and paranoid... mentally abusive (sometimes physical) and occasionally would accuse me of cheating (which I didn't, I don't believe in it)... but, we were working on it, and I loved him... In our 7th year, he took a job in Chicago... without talking to me about it first (he did that quite a bit, but on a much smaller scale) and in a month he was gone... He expected me to move as well... When I said no (which I should have done much earlier, about so many things) It was done... We haven't spoken since (so almost 7 years)... well till today...

Syn- Well... Hi. How are you?
Scott- Good... How are you?
Syn- Good.
Scott- I moved back to Atlanta.
Syn- Yeah, I know, Bern told me... (Bernadette is his Sister in law, she comes to me to get her hair done)
Scott- Well... the reason I called... I don't really trust anyone here to cut my hair, and I was wondering if you would mind doing it... Would you have a problem with it?

Let me stop here for a minute... He is a hairdresser... but, also does product education for a hair company... He knows hairdressers everywhere... even in Atlanta. My hairdresser sense is tingling...

Syn- No, not at all...
Scott- really ?
Syn- Sure... No problem at all...
Scott- Do you have anything this Thursday?
Syn- I have an 11:00 open...
Scott- Awesome... I'll take it...
Syn- Great... I'll see you at 11:00 on Thursday
Scott- Thanks Michael...
Syn- No Worries...

I hang up... wow... that was unexpected... not him calling (I mean it was, but thats not what I'm talking about)... my reaction... I wasn't sure if/when I talked to him again how I would react... Awesome, I guess that little bit of therapy after our breakup helped more than I thought... I felt nothing... absolutely nothing... No anger, bitterness...

Sorry for the long post... I had to break it up into parts...

As Always... Be Kind To Yourselves... I'm Fine Thanks For Asking...

Not So Much...

So... Not that much has been going on... Thats why I haven't been blogging much lately... So I figured I would give a little update...

The Funk is officially gone... I'm kinda back to my old self... YAAAAY!

I caused/started a Category 5 ShitStorm in Bama over the weekend... I was with my family...

According to one of my clients, quite a few of his friends, who are also salon clients... Think I'm a mean, hateful bitch... Thats funny.

Swim class is going really well... I found my rhythm for breathing... just gotta keep my head low...

What else... Oh Awesome news... I went down yesterday to the travel office, and had them get some prices together for my (much needed) vacation... It may be a city near you... ;)


As Always... Be Kind To Yourselves... I'm Fine, Thanks For Asking...

I'm Still Here...

I should apologize... I haven't posted anything in a while... I've been in a funk, that I can't seem to get out of... I also want to thank everyone for the kind words, while Jerry was in the hospital and after he passed... Thank You...

There has been a lot going on... About a month ago, my sister (Cinny) called to tell me that her hairdresser had quit and she wanted to start coming to Atlanta to get her hair done... She was here this past Saturday... I did my Sister's and Niece's hair, while my brother in law and nephew went to the movies and shopping... It was their first time in the big gay hairdresser's Big Gay Salon... They don't come to Atlanta often... (the big city lol) It was nice, we went to dinner and then they left to go back home... I had been worried about my niece and nephew... Not knowing how they would react to my being gay, and given my surroundings... Well... My niece (19) already knew... Go figure, and my nephew (14) absolutely oblivious... After all he is me as a kid (LOL)... We had a good time tho... (YAY).

A few of my clients have been talking about the Landmark Forum... Self help seminars... Oddly enough one of my clients does the seminars and forum... With all this talk lately from my clients... I was thinking of taking the seminar myself... Maybe help me figure "me" out a little...
Here's the thing tho... I'm saving money to go on my vacation (more about that later) My nephew has been on me to get an Xbox 360 so we can play games and chat with each other from a state away... I can only do one... One will make me a Hermit... The other could possibly get me out and about (more social).... Hmmmm... Okay, so I bought the Xbox LOL... I have been having a blast... My nephew and his friends take great pleasure in killing me... Considering I taught him how to play video games, his favorite line now "The student has surpassed the teacher"... I'm loving every minute of it :)
I've been thinking, there are all types of people, some are more social than others... I am social, just in my own way... I don't have many friends, I work a lot, and I love my down time... I like eating alone, and going to the movies by myself... Call it what you will, and maybe I am just fooling myself... But, I think I'm okay :) BTW more than one person (thanks G-Boogie and Lizz) think that Landmark is a cult (allegedly) So I may have come out better with the Xbox360.


What else... I think that is everything, Oh... Swim class is going great... My form is good, and we started breathing, I had to get her to go over breathing again this past Sunday... It's all practice, practice, practice... I feel a lot more comfortable in water than I did, and when I don't worry about form and breathing, I relax and enjoy the freedom... Look out 2012 Olympics... I'm a little late for the 2008, they are holding the trials as I type this... Michael Phelps is in Beijing right now... One day... LOL
I think that is everything...

As always... Be kind to Yourselves... I'm fine, Thanks for asking.

Free....

1. Not imprisoned or enslaved; being at liberty.
2. Not affected or restricted by a given condition or circumstance.

My Mondays are typically filled with errands... Some of those days are lighter than others... Today for example... The only thing on my "Have To" list... Dentist... Deposit... My "Want To" list, however, is a bit longer...
I had told Jay that I wanted to come by and visit Jerry... They had moved him to hospice last Wednesday, so I wanted to come hang out with him... If he was up to it...
As I'm laying in the dentist chair... The hygienist distractedly scraping, while going on about her ex-husband, who she thinks is gay... "But, he doesn't know it yet"... If she starts asking me questions, I'm outta here... Bib and all...
My phone vibrates... Obviously, I can't answer... She's got everything but her feet in my mouth... She finishes... I pay, leave... I didn't even have to give her any tell tale signs to look for (If you catch him with a cock in his mouth... He's probably gay)...
I check my voicemail... It's Jay, he sounds tired, "Call me when you get this"... I'm assuming he's calling to let me know a good time to stop by to see Jerry... I call him back... Hey Jay, How are you?... Silence... I already know whats coming...
Jerry passed away, shortly after they took him to hospice... I told Jay that I was sorry... If you need anything at all, I'm right here... He asked me if I was working tomorrow, He wants to come by, visit for a minute, and wanted to bring something to me, that he knew Jerry wanted me to have...
Sorry is such a small word...
I feel for Jay... I can't take his pain from him, or bring him peace... I can't give him many more years of pranks, or torturing Derrick... I can't erase watching his best friend deteriorate right before his eyes... Being powerless to stop it... I don't know how...
My heart smiles when I think of Jerry... Whatever your spiritual path or religious belief... He has moved on... Unrestricted, unbound... No longer a trapped man... He is Free...

As Always, Be Kind To Yourselves... I'm Fine, Thanks For Asking

Silent...

I walked in through the double doors, not knowing what to expect... It was quiet... eerily so, even with people, some were standing, some were sitting, I see a child... Fussy... Unsure... He wants to be up in his Grandmother's lap... No, down... He to is oddly silent...
A quiet voice on my right... May I help you?... Umm, Hi... Yes, I'm here to see Jerry in 251... Are you Family?... Friend?... Unsure of how to answer... I stated who I was and my purpose for being there... I'm the Hairdresser, and Jerry is getting a haircut today... She smiled... Okay, Have a seat someone will be right with you...
I take a seat amidst the crowd of silent people, taking in my surroundings... I feel under dressed and out of place... I've just come from swim class... I've got on cargo shorts, a sleeveless T-Shirt, my hat on backwards (covering my crazy wet hair), and I reek of chlorine... I should have taken a shower, worn something nice, done my hair... Did I lock the car?... Did I pack what I needed to bring with me?... I forgot product... I should get a magazine... My mind is offering distractions... I decide to ignore it and focus on why I'm here...
I think back to a few days prior... My friends Jay and Derrick had called to let me know that their other roommate and good friend Jerry had been hospitalized, and wasn't doing well... Jay then got on the phone and asked me would I mind coming to the hospital to cut Jerry's hair... Of course... No worries... Let me know when and where... He's in Neuro ICU at Emory...
Let me back up a little... I met both Jay and Jerry through Derrick, he and I had gone out a couple of times a few years ago, believe it or not I asked him out, it didn't work out (sketchy), we remained casual friends... Jay and Jerry are complete pranksters, and have been best friends for years... Poor Derrick... I can't tell you how many picture messages my phone has gotten of him in compromising positions LOL... He takes it in stride... Those boys crack me up...
So... of course it came as a big shock when they called to tell me Jerry was in the hospital... Jerry is a little taller than I am, mouthy, intelligent, and quick with jab or slam (all in fun)... He's an attractive man... the kind of face that always has the perfect amount of scruff, eyes that keep just enough back, you can't help but hang on every word, and a smile that is wicked and sweet all at the same time... He looks like a baseball player... I'm not sure what that means, probably that damn baseball hat he wears, even after I cut his hair...
The other set of double doors open, I turn... Michael?... Hi, Are you Michael?... Yes... Come with me... I walk with the nurse through the double doors, alot of the conversation is a blur... I get the key points though... Don't get upset when you see him... Keep it positive... If you need a break, step outside... DO NOT let him see you break down...
The nurse walks me to Jerry's room, I see the number, 251... Standing in the doorway... I feel it coming, the ache, my heart clenches, it's building... I press it down, push it as far back as I can, I will not let it show... He's laying in bed, machines whirring and beeping all around him... One checking his vitals, one helping him breathe, all these tubes... A woman is standing over him with a board, letters in different rows and colors on one side, and pictures in squares on the other... She's helping him spell something out... The nurse that walked me to the room explains to me that Jerry can't speak, he has to use his fingers to answer yes or no questions... They finish spelling the word... Bitch... The other nurse giggles, evidently its not the first time...
I walk in, put my stuff down... Standing in his line of sight, I see it in his eyes, the spark of recognition... I walk over to the bed, put his hand in mine, lean in and kiss him on the cheek, he squeezes... Damn boy, your hair is long... We doin' the usual? One finger goes up (Yes)... I unpack my stuff, prep, and start cutting... Do you have any cute doctors? Two fingers go up (No)... Cute Nurses? Two fingers go up... Want me to go search one out for you, drag them up back here? One finger goes up... We should do highlights, He flips me the bird... So goes our conversation for the next 4 hours... He gets tired and we take breaks, I can't finish his haircut, unable to get to the back of his head... I tell him he is rockin' a mullet... I get the finger again... I am getting ready to leave, Jerry is really tired and doesn't want to cut anymore... I ask him if he wants me to come back... One finger (the good one)... Jay walks in... He had gone to the airport, Jay's Mom was flying in to see Jerry... Hes been up there night and day, he looks tired... Jay tells Jerry that he will be right back, He's going to walk me down...
Jay tells me that Jerry has PML (I'm attaching a link, I can't even pronounce some of the words), He explains more in layman's terms that Jerry's nervous system is shutting down... The doctors have given him about 45 days, at most... Jay is a big guy, huge, muscular, about one and a half of me wide, solid, with a killer smile and piercing eyes... I've never seen him like this... I'm not sure of what to say... Nothing I say will comfort him or bring him peace... I give him a hug, he breaks down... Folds in on me... He's shaking... I feel a wave coming... Push it down... Not now... We stand in the hallway, I don't know how long... It's silent again... He lifts his head and whispers thank you... He wants to pay me... I tell him no, I just need you to get some rest... You look like shit... I get a half smile... Keep me updated, and if you need anything please call me... We go in opposite directions...
I walk out of the hospital... My pace quickens... I'm practically running to my car... Unlock... Sit, and allow myself to feel it all... The flood gates are open... No holding back now... Sobbing uncontrolabley...
As I sit here writing this entry, I realize... I'm not mourning his life or death... I mourn his loss of freedom... He is a man trapped... Limited mobility and time... It breaks my heart...

As always, Be Kind To Yourselves...

It's About Time...The Big Hands Saga Draws To A Close...

Sorry I haven't posted in a while... As we all know... Sometimes life gets in the way of living... So... Here we go... What you've all been waiting for... Monday the 25th of June, my appointment with Big Hands 4:30, can't be late... It was a busy day, I had to run my normal Monday errands and get to an earlier than normal appointment... I arrived about 4:00, excitement building... I've decided to do it... I'm going to ask Big Hands out...
I'm sitting in my car, listening to Journey (man, that Steve Perry has a voice on him)... Anyway, the door opens Big Hands comes out with one of his clients... Big Hands waves and says come on in... I get out of my car, walk up the steps and meet Big Hands on the porch...
Syn: Hey how are you?
Big Hands: Good, how are you?
Syn: Good... no hug... hmmm
Big Hands: Come on in... I need to prep...
Syn: Thats fine, I need to pee...
I finish peeing, as I'm washing my hands, staring myself down in the mirror... You can do it, I know you can... Just ask him... I finish, walk down stairs and into the massage room, hes there, smooth face, shorts, and a T-shirt... Damn...
Syn: Hey... I smile
Big Hands: Hey... he smiles
Syn: So tell me, my last appointment you were heading to Pensacola for Memorial Day weekend... How was it? Did you have a good time?
Big Hands: Oh wow... yeah it was great... I had a great time... he pauses, looks me dead in the eye
Syn: Thats awesome... his smile fades
Big Hands: I met someone...
Syn: did someone just punch me in the gut... Thats... Great... I did the fake smile (I hate it, but couldn't do anything else)
Syn: Thats Awesome... his smile returns
Big Hands: He is really nice... of course he is Hes tall, blond hair, blue eyed... perfect... And he lives here... of course he does
Syn: Thats great... Well... Good for you... Thats... Just... Well good...
Big Hands: I'm going to leave you... you just did for a few minutes... Let you get ready... I'll be back in a few... probably bringing him in here to introduce us
I honestly don't know what was going through my mind... The rest of my session, I was pretty much on auto pilot... I don't remember much of the conversation after that... I do remember, telling him I thought it was great (and meaning it) that he found someone... They are taking it slow... He sounded as giddy as a hairdresser who has fallen for his massage therapist... The thing I am most proud of, that I will remember... I told him... I said it out loud... I told him I would still crush on him... He said... Thats fine, with a smile... Not a great response, but its not about the response... I put it out there, (kind of) I opened myself up, (a little) to the possibilities... Opened up to someone else being a part of my life... I thoroughly enjoyed my crush, and the possibility of more...
It's not Earth shattering, no revelation... It's me learning more about me... When you have been alone for a while, I think sometimes you can fall into a trap... A cycle... Going day to day, in the same routine, doing what you do...
I don't want to be that guy, that wakes up one day, regretting missed opportunities, singing that shoulda... woulda... coulda... song... I want to fall in love many times before I'm done... So, anyway, thats my story and I'm sticking to it...
As always, Be kind to yourselves... I'm fine thanks for asking... ;)